when james baldwin said “you think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. it was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.” I felt that big, big time
“Rarepair”? Buddy, those pairings aren’t rare, they’re downright undercooked – I feel like I’m at risk of contracting salmonella just from reading the tags.
I might misremember but was it you that at some point had a cat that threw knives at people? Just exactly how does a cat manage the art of knife-throwing with their paws?
Sigh. Yes, that was me, and that is Sergei. He’s got the color of a Russian blue but definitely is not one. Nevertheless, the rescue named him Prince Sergei because he is a haughty, imperious little bastard.
I should have known he was gonna be trouble when I brought him into the vet to ask about his eye—he was born with only one, but still has the eyelids and everything on other side—and the vet uttered the phrase “Whoa! I’ve never seen THAT before.” (Most animals born with one eye have microphthalmia, an undersized or underdeveloped eye. Sergei does not. There is no eye there at all, just a socket full of—well—meat. This gives him a particularly diabolical red glare.)
He is also very, very smart. Smart cats are dangerous. I walked into the bathroom one day, saw him on the toilet, reflexively said “Oh, excuse me,” and hastily retreated. Only to realize that the cat had taught himself to use the toilet. Fortunately he does not flush, but he will bully any human in the vicinity to flush for him, because if he needs to go again, you cannot expect him to go in a dirty toilet, like a peasant!
Like most cats, the sight of a thing on top of another thing fills him with unbridled rage. Particularly if he wants attention—if, say, his toilet needs flushing—he will begin knocking everything on the kitchen counter off onto the floor.
“Fine!” we replied, and removed all the various spoonrests, bowls, etc from the counter. “I guess nobody gets to use the counter now!”
But we also have a magnetic knife rack. Sergei discovered that with sufficient pressure and sufficient stealth, he could swat a knife off the rack, toward the feet of any human who was digging through the pantry instead of attending to Sergei’s emotional needs. Our buddy Shepherd was staying with us during the pandemic and nearly had his toes filleted on several occasions.
If he were human, this would be a horrible dysfunctional relationship, but since he is a cat, we forgive him everything because he likes to cling to people like a small malevolent tree sloth and to be the little spoon at night.
Permission to be vulnerable in this torture dungeon. Do you guys even like me
I have to apologise. It seems I wasn’t clear, and my words were misconstrued. 16000 of you have been led, like lambs, to the errant conclusion that I am a victim of some common torture dungeon together with the rest of you, and not the proprietor of my own, very successful and functional, torture dungeon. It’s vital for public relations that I clear this up. First- it’s my torture dungeon. It was a candid moment between myself and the men I have carved into new shapes. I had no idea this sentiment would resonate with so many. Second, I don’t know who tom or greg are, but they’re both welcome in my dungeon. By the response I have seen, it appears many of you are in torture dungeons of your own, and have been unsatisfied with the service. In mine? Not so. Your insecurities would melt away. You would gain several cool new tumours and mutations, that would make you likable, or at least noteworthy, to any peer group of social equals you might encounter. You would never need to ask again, ‘do you guys even like me’, for it would be understood. Or because you don’t have a mouth anymore. And I as your torturer would definitely like you. If only you would donate your healthy, youthful bodies to science. My science.
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes it is.” Boy: ‟I have a baseball.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟That’s my dad outside.” Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?” Boy: ‟$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: ‟Dark in here.” Man: ‟Yes, it is..” Boy: ‟I have a baseball glove.” Man: ‟That’s nice.” Boy: ‟Want to buy it?” Man: ‟No, thanks.” Boy: ‟I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad.” Man: ‟How much did you say the glove was again?” Boy: ‟$750.” Man: ‟Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, ‟Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, ‟I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, ‟How much did you sell them for?” The son says, ‟$1,000.” The father says, ‟It’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, ‟Dark in here.” The priest says, ‟Do not start that shit again.”
It’s amazing how on the internet I’m like hey here’s a thing that helped me. Maybe it will help you.
And then someone is always like if I do that thing though it will kill me.
Probably don’t do it then. Idk what you want from me, man.
If I’m like adding tomato to your sandwich is yummy and you’re like “but I’m deathly allergic to tomatoes what am I supposed to do”
Idk dude. Not eat tomatoes I guess.
I’ve got this old post where I was like hey sometimes it’s fun to try to get a chore done while you’re waiting for water to boil or something. Might help if you have adhd. It’s free deadline.
And I still get people commenting on that post like uhm no some of us have anxiety so bad that we’d pass out if we did that.
Like. Probably don’t do that then?
Tumblr has trouble with the concept that there’s a huge range of options in between “forbidden” and “compulsory.”
If people don’t admit that alcohol is a drug so help me God I will pour an entire bottle of wine on their hair.
Wine? Drugs. Beer? Drugs. That awful cocktail you made in your dorm room out of leftover coffee and orange juice and tequila? D-d-d-drugs.
This may sound obvious to you but society at large puts alcohol in this removed category away from other drugs. If you tell most wine moms that they have a drug problem they’d be appalled that you’d ever say such a thing. It’s just time for humanity to admit that we like doing drugs. Most people’s drug of choice just happens to be alcohol.
Also caffeine is a drug but like, it’s so baked into our culture because so many people rely on it to get through the workday, which should really say something about our relationship with work but that’s not a conversation the powers that be are eager to have
Görkem Şen is a Turkish musician who wanted to create the sounds of electronic music acoustically. His invention, the yaybahar, is a string instrument connected to drums via metal coils that creates a wide variety of otherworldly music.
Ooh, spooky, I like it! It sounds kind of like if a whale was a robot.
Why not embed the video though? This guy’s got a teeny tiny little channel and this video has fewer than 4k views, and if this post blew up it would be pretty unfair to him, getting lots of watchtime on his work but without the cruel youtube algorithm gods knowing about it so they can recommend it to more people.
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